I was talking with my brother-in-law today, and after we had spent a majority of our time talking about financial matters he where I was in the process of job, move...basically, complete life change. I simply told him that I am working the processes and keeping the momentum. He asked if I was looking for something specific, and all I could tell him was, "After 37 I have a better idea of who I am, what I would be good, and what would challenge me." Somehow I felt there was a lack of understanding.
There has been a lot of diligent discovery to understand myself. A lot of failure; a lot of brokenness; a lot of evaluation. But through it all I have kept to the hope that who I am should determine what I do, how I interact with people, and how I am able to make this world better. Because I of this I refuse to settle, even though the immediacy of employment sounds, I still believe that the one who Creates still longs to send his people out, and will provide.
I think of how long and hard this search for identity has been. And while I have been eager to make drastic shifts in direction which have led to clarifying confusion, they have created more pieces to the otherwise difficult puzzle in determining who I am. Then I became a father. This has somehow shifted my focus from searching for the puzzle pieces and determining their function, to actually trying to construct something that resonates with who I am, and flows to what I do.
So I wonder if this discovery is common. It seems that most of family thinks of me as immature, and wonders when I will act grown up, settle down, and just give in to the cultural stereotypes of make as much money as you can. But then I look at my daughter, and desperately want her to see her dad doing something that he is good at and makes a difference. And if that means that we don't have as much money as we could, I believe the best way I can lead my child in understanding herself, is I have know who I am. I pray this is worth all the effort.
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I have seen too many people settle for a job, and often I find myself beginning the process. Am I about to trade all my dreams and the hope from Christ for a steady income and a career? The people I admire and have learned the most from have gone against the grain. In a worldly sense, they have fallen short of success. But I see in them the healthiest marriages, the most united familes, the most passion for following Christ, and the most dangerous lifestyles.
Dave, I beg you to continue this journey. Michaela is not the only one who needs you to know who you are. There is a community that depends on us understanding ourselves and each other.
"sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.
When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth." Matthew 19:21-22
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