In 1992 I was dating a girl who I thought was the one. She graduated one semester earlier than I, and that summer got a great job where she would travel the country setting up volleyball tournaments. We had been dating for almost 5 years, and even though I was co-dependent on her and her family. I thought we had something. My family life was one of escape and try to survive, so this relationship was somewhat of an oasis. I invested everything to make this work.
When she came back from her tour, she informed me that she had found someone else. Needless to say, I felt a betrayal that still stings today. Never before had I experienced such a given so much to something that ultimately became a farce. As I was driving today with my wife (by the way now I'm glad that girl dumped me), I realized that I feel an immense betrayal by the established church.
I have given so much to serve this institution, and right now all I can see is an hommage. In fact, I'm not sure it exists apart from its organizational dysfunctionality. To be honest I feel angry, and have no bearings to navigate the eccelsial desert land.
Needless to say, I have become the number two candidate for two churches (Milwaukee & Raleigh), and I am tired of trying to put on a faccade to other churches. Honestly, I don't want to get a paycheck from a church again. In fact, and perhaps this probably comes from my anger, I desire to not be apart of the establishment again. But this is my conundrum...I don't know what else to do. I am wreck, and don't know how to make money a part from selling my soul and working for the establishment. Please pray...
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
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