The Search for Identity

I was talking with my brother-in-law today, and after we had spent a majority of our time talking about financial matters he where I was in the process of job, move...basically, complete life change. I simply told him that I am working the processes and keeping the momentum. He asked if I was looking for something specific, and all I could tell him was, "After 37 I have a better idea of who I am, what I would be good, and what would challenge me." Somehow I felt there was a lack of understanding.

There has been a lot of diligent discovery to understand myself. A lot of failure; a lot of brokenness; a lot of evaluation. But through it all I have kept to the hope that who I am should determine what I do, how I interact with people, and how I am able to make this world better. Because I of this I refuse to settle, even though the immediacy of employment sounds, I still believe that the one who Creates still longs to send his people out, and will provide.

I think of how long and hard this search for identity has been. And while I have been eager to make drastic shifts in direction which have led to clarifying confusion, they have created more pieces to the otherwise difficult puzzle in determining who I am. Then I became a father. This has somehow shifted my focus from searching for the puzzle pieces and determining their function, to actually trying to construct something that resonates with who I am, and flows to what I do.

So I wonder if this discovery is common. It seems that most of family thinks of me as immature, and wonders when I will act grown up, settle down, and just give in to the cultural stereotypes of make as much money as you can. But then I look at my daughter, and desperately want her to see her dad doing something that he is good at and makes a difference. And if that means that we don't have as much money as we could, I believe the best way I can lead my child in understanding herself, is I have know who I am. I pray this is worth all the effort.