Dormant Faith...

I'm reading the Bible again...let me clarify. I am reading the Bible again and allowing it to disrupt my life, dismantle my plan, and develop my identity. In a repentant way I need to seek forgiveness from the Almighty, for I have read out of obligation and not out of the passionate pursuit.

This afternoon, as I was driving home, I felt an inordinate amount of fear for the future. I am traveling trying to discern my call and all the while scared that as the truth is revealed that my level of fear would increase. I fear the following...having to make a choice; having no choice to make; stagnancy; rapid motion. There is no reason to my fear other than it is prominent everywhere. So in my reflection of these disjointed thoughts, I simply asked the question of myself thinking it was a basic 101 question... "Do I have faith?" That question wrecked me!

I looked through the past several years trying to take in the highlights of a faith lived out, and other than moving and fatherhood, the highlights are minimal. As I process this phase of life I am in, I have to say with grave disappointment, my faith is dormant. It has not been aroused or prompted to grow with any regularity or purpose. As one who has made a living dispensing the word of God for monetary gain, I have spent a majority of the recent past talking of something I have very little experience living. How can this be?!

How can the organism of the church put to sleep the only thing that should matter in me? How can I, a spiritual formation person, allow my knowledge about faith consume my thirst for living in faith?

So my disgust stews, my anger boils, and my frustration continues. I think I am supposed to look forward to my growth, but have no real understanding why. I have to learn again about faith with hopes that it will leave a lasting impression that empowers the continual quest. I am scared, ill-equipped...but have no other choice.