The Search for Identity

I was talking with my brother-in-law today, and after we had spent a majority of our time talking about financial matters he where I was in the process of job, move...basically, complete life change. I simply told him that I am working the processes and keeping the momentum. He asked if I was looking for something specific, and all I could tell him was, "After 37 I have a better idea of who I am, what I would be good, and what would challenge me." Somehow I felt there was a lack of understanding.

There has been a lot of diligent discovery to understand myself. A lot of failure; a lot of brokenness; a lot of evaluation. But through it all I have kept to the hope that who I am should determine what I do, how I interact with people, and how I am able to make this world better. Because I of this I refuse to settle, even though the immediacy of employment sounds, I still believe that the one who Creates still longs to send his people out, and will provide.

I think of how long and hard this search for identity has been. And while I have been eager to make drastic shifts in direction which have led to clarifying confusion, they have created more pieces to the otherwise difficult puzzle in determining who I am. Then I became a father. This has somehow shifted my focus from searching for the puzzle pieces and determining their function, to actually trying to construct something that resonates with who I am, and flows to what I do.

So I wonder if this discovery is common. It seems that most of family thinks of me as immature, and wonders when I will act grown up, settle down, and just give in to the cultural stereotypes of make as much money as you can. But then I look at my daughter, and desperately want her to see her dad doing something that he is good at and makes a difference. And if that means that we don't have as much money as we could, I believe the best way I can lead my child in understanding herself, is I have know who I am. I pray this is worth all the effort.

Is Discipleship New?

Here goes my gripe...

For the past seven years I have been reading and studying about this thing called discipleship. A break through came when I starting reading Willard (Dallas, that is) and since then I have absorbing as much I can trying to understand this topic. I trudge through theological commentaries, dictionaries, and treatises, trying to glean some insight to create movement and desire for people of faith. I read these new words from the postmodern/missional genre, and they all hail the bastion of discipleship as though they had just found the "golden ticket." Which lends me ask this all important question, "Is discipleship new?"

It is a crime against God that a vast majority of our church attenders think of discipleship as an optional program. People are asked to subscribe to be a disciple like they are being asked to upgrade their cable to get the movie channels. They may opt for a season, but soon realize that the cost is too high. Why don't we teach being a disciple of Jesus as being the most basic and fundamental part of this journey? We tout blind belief and redemption like its the entrance to the Promised Land, but soon people realize that they aren't even on the map.

I'm tired of having conversation after conversation with the overchurched who talk about how connected they feel, and over exaggerate their relational output. When I ask simple questions of Bible reading, spiritual conversation, and growth...I get blank stares?

I'm frustrated that our churches are not inspiring the long, hard journey of absolute followership of Jesus. We would much rather pray the prayer of salvation with someone than walk the pathway of discipleship with them. I am ashamed that the church has lost the call to develop radical disciples.

"Follow me as I follow Christ..." 1 Corinthians 11:1.

Got Nothin'

I'm sitting here in the Redeye thinking of some profound thing to write, but I've got nothing. Other than a couple of compelling conversations today, my mind is saturated to the point of being inoperable. I need a Sabbath from my situation. I need to press pause and chill out.

Driven to Live the Message...

"When God invades man's consciousness, man's reliance on 'peace and security' vanishes from every nook of his existence. His life as a single whole becomes vulnerable. Broken down are the bulkheads between the chambers which confine explosions to one compartment. When God chooses man, He invests him with full responsibility for total obedience to an absolute demand." Paul Minear

"Persecution drives the persecuted to live very close to their message -- they simply cling to the gospel of Jesus and thus unlock its liberating power." Alan Hirsch

How can we live identify and enliven that absolute message of Jesus so it not just resonates with our souls, but become our thoughts, feelings, words and actions? That my will is the as Jesus'.

I wonder if only persecution cultivates such loyalty to Jesus, or can sheer passion and desire also shape our identity? Whatever it is, there is a gap between the unadulterated story of Jesus, and the rhythm by which our lives move. This interaction sometimes sings in key, but loses its tone in many areas of our lives. How do we stay on mission? I don't believe it is one person's will that initiates the movement, but a few who sacrificially live.

I look to our group and see mini-persecutions abounding (not to minimize real persecution around the world). Are we breaking in such a way that empowers God's creating force to shape us? Will we tuck away and try to discern our own agendas without regard for the voice of community? Is the message of persecution for one, or for all?

These are just questions that are streaming through my mind. Comment if you wish...

Change...

I shared some of our thoughts and struggles with a friend. She offered me this piece of hers to help me put words to my situation.

It is difficult to think down here. Living my life with eyes unfocused, and never learning to live with this malady, keeps me bumping in to the same old furniture even though I should know where it is... where it's always been.

She walks through her apartment like a person newly blind, bumping into furniture thats always been there. She is drunk, but it's more than that. It is her unwillingness to see. Her blatant disregard to change herself has become a blindness of the mind. She is capable of seeing what is wrong, but lacks the resolve to change it. Bruised shins are easier than effort. She lives the easy life and wears long pants.

Alternative Story...

"Ivan Illich was once asked what he thought was the most radical way to change society; was it through violent revolution or gradual reform? He gave a careful answer. Neither. Rather, he suggested that if one wanted to change society, then one must tell an alternative story." Alan Hirsch

I have been yearning to be a part of an alternative story, somehow thinking that the local church will generate a compelling narrative that breaks through our current culture and captivates us. My struggle, as well as my brokenness, leads me to believe that the establishment is unable to generate something profoundly new. Perhaps this is my cynicism, but many believe this to be true.

So how do you tell a new, alternative story? Do we, I believe that there is something new that is worth saying? How do we cultivate that expression and invite others on the journey? How do we break free from the trappings of our church mentality, and create an expression of holy gathering that is profoundly new?

"See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43:19

Covenant Community?

Was Friday night the exception or the expectation? Friday night was a time when you all came and heard my fragmented telling of my Milwaukee experience. While still wrestling and processing this trip, I felt if nothing more, it was a time of gathering and prayer. But are we challenging each other to grow, prayer, and create ideas? I have to say, I am not being challenged.

We have prayed for a dangerous pursuit; we know it is going to be hard. But every time we initiate something, we fail to follow through. If we believe in the spiritual, then we will know that there persistent distractions that are vying for our attention. Powerful forces that are trying to disrupt the very unity we are called to create. So being passive and silent is going to be much easier than being active and vocal. We are going to have to fight to make the rhythms of our lives beat to a different song, and it is going to be hard.

Shouldn't we share our insights and difficulties with great regularity? Shouldn't we pray with each other and for each other as though we depend on it? Shouldn't we challenge each other, encourage each other, and hold one another accountable? Shouldn't we be eager to generate thought and ideas for all new and continuing dialogue?

So what does it mean to be a covenant community? Let me suggest that it is not so much of an "all for one, and one for all" mentality. But a time when we unite to sharpen our faculties to see, hear, and sense the movements of God. A community in covenant will gain much greater clarity than we ever will alone, believing that there is a reason why we are together now, if nothing less than to prepare each of us for the impending future that is rapidly approaching.

I covenant with you to read the Bible and our books daily, pray for each of you daily and pray with you as often as we can, write daily, comment as often as I am prompted. I will do these things because I believe they will draw me and us closer to the heart and mind of God, and I owe it to God to be at my best for this next venture in life. Without making this sound like a benign altar call...who's in?