The State of My Soul through the Words of Jeremiah

O Lord, you have enticed me,
and I was enticed;
you have overpowered me,
and you have prevailed.
I have become a laughingstock all day long;
everyone mocks me.
For whenever I speak, I must cry out,
I must shout, "Violence and destruction!"
For the word of the Lord has become for me
a reproach and derision all day long.
If I say, "I will not mention him,
or speak any more in his name,"
then within me there is something like a burning fire
shut in my bones;
I am weary with holding it in,
and I cannot.
Jeremiah 20.7-9

I Need More!

The only session I attended at the Leadership Summit was a video interview with Richard Curtis. This was the only one that truly intrigued me because he seemed to live in the artistic world of writing and film, but also lived in the realm of eradicating extreme poverty. Here are some things that he either said, or things that captivated my imagination...

• "...once you have a ghost of an idea you have to nail it down"
• collaborative art - guiding an organic vision, let it morph
• "pick people for the right reason, not just for past success"
• don't get emotional over failure, it may be the reason for future success
• be intrigued by the power of "love"
  
• observe & listen the everyday stories, and let them shape the world
• "ruthlessly do the thing that I do"
• people lose themselves in theory, you have to DO stuff

I don't think it was an accident that this was the only session I experienced. So I have some bold things to say, not because of a solitary session, but because of a feeling that was birthed long ago and won't go away... I NEED MORE!!!

I need help in birthing and growing ideas; I need collaboration; I need to be in community with people who are willing to fail excessively so that that one true idea can bear fruit; I need a community of observers and listeners who include others in recreating this world; I need people who are willing to DO the hard, scary things... I need more!

I don't know what else to say to those who view this blog, other than that. If you guys aren't going to comment, and that is OK if you don't, then I need to include others who will. I am 37 years old, I want finally want to do something with lasting importance. But I realize that it won't just happen. It will require a lot from me and others just to come up with the ideas of creating a community that includes all walks of humanity, yet is driven by the vision of Christ. So let me know...

I'm Done with the Establisment (at least for now)...

In 1992 I was dating a girl who I thought was the one. She graduated one semester earlier than I, and that summer got a great job where she would travel the country setting up volleyball tournaments. We had been dating for almost 5 years, and even though I was co-dependent on her and her family. I thought we had something. My family life was one of escape and try to survive, so this relationship was somewhat of an oasis. I invested everything to make this work.

When she came back from her tour, she informed me that she had found someone else. Needless to say, I felt a betrayal that still stings today. Never before had I experienced such a given so much to something that ultimately became a farce. As I was driving today with my wife (by the way now I'm glad that girl dumped me), I realized that I feel an immense betrayal by the established church.

I have given so much to serve this institution, and right now all I can see is an hommage. In fact, I'm not sure it exists apart from its organizational dysfunctionality. To be honest I feel angry, and have no bearings to navigate the eccelsial desert land.

Needless to say, I have become the number two candidate for two churches (Milwaukee & Raleigh), and I am tired of trying to put on a faccade to other churches. Honestly, I don't want to get a paycheck from a church again. In fact, and perhaps this probably comes from my anger, I desire to not be apart of the establishment again. But this is my conundrum...I don't know what else to do. I am wreck, and don't know how to make money a part from selling my soul and working for the establishment. Please pray...

Cheese Artist Carves Rushmore...

This morning I was wathing The Early Show and a guy carved Mount Rushmore out of a 200 pound block of cheddar cheese. Before the interview the artist said (sorry this if from memory), "I want to thank Jesus for giving me the opportunity to carve this block of cheese." Now this is unique way to celebrate Jesus.

After I wiped the tears from laughter, I wondered if Jesus was grateful for the props given to him on network TV. Is this pop-Christianity at its best or what? While the humor of this episode will have traction...the horror of this oversimplified, theological accolade will haunt me. How someone have the spiritual motivation to carve cheese? Someone please help me!

The Search for Identity

I was talking with my brother-in-law today, and after we had spent a majority of our time talking about financial matters he where I was in the process of job, move...basically, complete life change. I simply told him that I am working the processes and keeping the momentum. He asked if I was looking for something specific, and all I could tell him was, "After 37 I have a better idea of who I am, what I would be good, and what would challenge me." Somehow I felt there was a lack of understanding.

There has been a lot of diligent discovery to understand myself. A lot of failure; a lot of brokenness; a lot of evaluation. But through it all I have kept to the hope that who I am should determine what I do, how I interact with people, and how I am able to make this world better. Because I of this I refuse to settle, even though the immediacy of employment sounds, I still believe that the one who Creates still longs to send his people out, and will provide.

I think of how long and hard this search for identity has been. And while I have been eager to make drastic shifts in direction which have led to clarifying confusion, they have created more pieces to the otherwise difficult puzzle in determining who I am. Then I became a father. This has somehow shifted my focus from searching for the puzzle pieces and determining their function, to actually trying to construct something that resonates with who I am, and flows to what I do.

So I wonder if this discovery is common. It seems that most of family thinks of me as immature, and wonders when I will act grown up, settle down, and just give in to the cultural stereotypes of make as much money as you can. But then I look at my daughter, and desperately want her to see her dad doing something that he is good at and makes a difference. And if that means that we don't have as much money as we could, I believe the best way I can lead my child in understanding herself, is I have know who I am. I pray this is worth all the effort.

Is Discipleship New?

Here goes my gripe...

For the past seven years I have been reading and studying about this thing called discipleship. A break through came when I starting reading Willard (Dallas, that is) and since then I have absorbing as much I can trying to understand this topic. I trudge through theological commentaries, dictionaries, and treatises, trying to glean some insight to create movement and desire for people of faith. I read these new words from the postmodern/missional genre, and they all hail the bastion of discipleship as though they had just found the "golden ticket." Which lends me ask this all important question, "Is discipleship new?"

It is a crime against God that a vast majority of our church attenders think of discipleship as an optional program. People are asked to subscribe to be a disciple like they are being asked to upgrade their cable to get the movie channels. They may opt for a season, but soon realize that the cost is too high. Why don't we teach being a disciple of Jesus as being the most basic and fundamental part of this journey? We tout blind belief and redemption like its the entrance to the Promised Land, but soon people realize that they aren't even on the map.

I'm tired of having conversation after conversation with the overchurched who talk about how connected they feel, and over exaggerate their relational output. When I ask simple questions of Bible reading, spiritual conversation, and growth...I get blank stares?

I'm frustrated that our churches are not inspiring the long, hard journey of absolute followership of Jesus. We would much rather pray the prayer of salvation with someone than walk the pathway of discipleship with them. I am ashamed that the church has lost the call to develop radical disciples.

"Follow me as I follow Christ..." 1 Corinthians 11:1.

Got Nothin'

I'm sitting here in the Redeye thinking of some profound thing to write, but I've got nothing. Other than a couple of compelling conversations today, my mind is saturated to the point of being inoperable. I need a Sabbath from my situation. I need to press pause and chill out.